Continued Renewal

Already, the benefits of sharing this experience with others is revealing personal reward. Thanks so much for those who've commented or sent email responses. You're being my cheerleaders.

Anyway, another new thing, or I should say revived thing, is that I'm getting up before Keith goes to work and finding my own, uninterrupted God time as I walk/jog under the blanket of stars and moonlight in the morning. The way God reveals light at that time of day is awesome to watch. When I speak of light, I speak both figuratively and literally. The moonlight that is sometimes masked by clouds or beaming so brightly to create shadows guides me as I attempt to remold the physical body after the last 6 years of pregnancy, child birth and breast feeding. However, the moonlight isn't the only guide. There are also streetlights and vehicles headlights which reveal themselves long before we'd recognize their presence in daylight. This is like God's light which presents its power to me through prayer and the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit giving me answers throughout the day. Somehow though, in the dark of night, everything has a deeper impact. I don't know whether it's the quiet before the hurried hustle of the day or the darkness created by the absence of light, but for some reason, I hear God's call for my life louder in these moments than I have since I last regularly practiced this same routine seven years ago.

It's not that I haven't had amazing moments to experience God's gifts and blessings in that time. It's just I haven't publicly acknowledged those gifts or blessings which I'm finding seems to make them more present in my mind. Some of those gifts include a new home; three beautiful, healthy children; family and friends to share them with; a vehicle that accomodates three car seats at the same time without them having to touch each other; a new job with opportunity to be in mission; renewed relationships with my siblings; and an incredible church family who is experiencing the reward of faithfulness just to name a few. God is Great! This is another testimony of my journey.

50 Things

It sounds trite, but I seriously am starting my list of things I want to do before I die. This goes along with living intentionally! I am also quite sure that this one will be a work in progress and will evolve as I do. Here goes (in no particular order)...

1. Finish visiting all 50 states with my family
2. Run a marathon
3. Complete a masters and/or doctoral degree (Just can't narrow the field)
4. Coach again
5. Perform in a musical theatre production again
6. Study all books of the Bible
7. Take dance classes again
8. Learn to play the guitar, piano and/or cello
9. Serve as a missionary in another country
10. Kiss my husband at the top of a mountain and swim together in tropical waters
11. Compile my grandmother's journals into one text
12. Write a book
13. Parasail
14. Be debt free
15. Make a quilt with my mother and sisters
16. Take vacations with my extended families
17. Pay someone else to clean my house
18. Attend a game at Allen Field House
19. Attend a Dallas Cowboys Football Game
20. Have KU basketball season tickets
21. Have a girls only retreat in a spa setting with each of my closest friends
22. Visit my Grandfather's family in Sweden
23. Go to Boston with my parents
24. Take my kids to Disneyland and the San Diego Zoo
25. Master pie baking and bundt cakes like my mother-in-law

Things listed in italics are things done since I started my list.

Snap

This has been one of those weeks that ends and you feel like you've survived something miraculous. I was greeted at work on Monday with some news that was out of my control. This is something that I struggle with as I continually forget that all things are not in my power to change. When greeted with these quandries, I seek answers and typically can be in dialogue with my parents to seek their wisdom in the situation. The news on Monday was not information that needed to be shared outside of our brick lathe walls, except possibly with our spouses. So as coworkers, we hashed through our individual responses and landed without doing anything but rather just listening to each other and validating each others' feelings.

I had this incredible urge to do something. I organized the opportunity for all of us to gather and share our feelings. But again, this action revealed no solution to the problem, just some awkward moments to voice our individual opinions. Without my parents to lean to hear God's voice, it has been solely through prayer that I have found peace knowing God will put me where I am supposed to be and that I can do nothing to change the situation but wait to hear the final decision.

This peace has not come instantly or without feeling anger, disbelief, or sadness. In fact those feelings were consuming me through most of the week. I felt gipped out of being able to share my excitement from last weekend. I had been rejuvenated and inspired at an AMBUCS conference. It had carried over to home already as I was compelled to seek a refocused committment between my husband and I to not take each other for granted or to be complacent in our actions. I was ready to share that rebirth at my workplace too, but was stifled by the potential changes looming ahead. I felt a snap in the tension that had tightened around the relationships so stretched to just keep our organization together. That tension was binding and it was not a comfortable place to be in.

Answers, I have none. Questions, I have many. When will I know? Where will I be? Can there be resolution? I hold out hope and have to believe that God's will can be done. For without that hope, my faith is empty. And without prayer, I would not have peace. I feel blessed to have entered this situation rejuvenated and to be able to remain positive in the face of this struggle. This is another testimony of my journey.